Thursday, March 17, 2011

I miss racing...

Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough to be in the company of some of my running peers. Most of them are really FAST and super talented. It's like high school all over again :/ I know that's all negative thinking and maybe I'm stupid for feeling that way but once those thoughts creep in, they like to hang out for a while.

Running has always been a part of my life and I've noticed that the times when I feel most confident are when I'm performing well (in comparison to myself, of course). I got back into racing 2 years ago after not being serious about it for a few years and I've had some amazing moments and met so many amazing people during the past 2 years through running. But the comparisons to each other are always there even if they are unspoken. Yeah, of course we are also very supportive of each other as well. But we're also always looking at their splits and comparing them to ours. I'm a competitive person when it comes to a short race and to a certain extent during a marathon as well but I know that I am nowhere near as good as A LOT of the people that cross the finish line before me and really it doesn't even matter because usually I am out there to beat my previous best performance. And the truth of the matter is that those people are probably training a lot harder than me and sacrificing more of their time and energy to be faster. I don't know. Maybe I just lack the competitive attitude that makes other people better at this than me.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm rambling now. I guess what I wanted to write was that the LA marathon is this Sunday. I was supposed to run it. I even registered for it a long time ago thinking I'd be fine by then. But knowing my knee still hadn't healed and it would be a miserable walk/run for me, I decided it was best to not even try it and save my legs for something else. This would've been my 6th LAM but I suppose there is always next year and the next. Maybe. A bunch of my friends are running it and I'm having all these feelings like I'm undeserving of their company because when was the last time I even ran a good race or put in a good workout? I feel like a farce at the moment. Like I can't really call myself a marathoner or even a runner because I'm not much of either at the moment. I just started training again and I have to start from scratch so as not to put too much pressure on my knee. I know once you finish a marathon, then you are a marathoner for life but for some reason I keep feeling that way...undeserving of that title. Like when my co-workers ask me what my next marathon is and I feel lame saying, "Well, I'm not even training right now :/" And as for my friends, they've all been supportive and I know they don't think less of me for falling off the face of the running map but I guess I'm just feeling like I'm not fast or dedicated enough to be around them or be a real part of the "group".

I know it doesn't matter what others think. Mostly it's me who is my worst enemy when it comes to things like this. I'm excited to go cheer for my friends and for all the other people running that day even if it means standing in the rain for 3 hours. But I can't help but feel sad and like a total loser for having to withdraw even though last year when I ran it, I completely hated it and I even swore while running down San Vicente towards the finish line that I would NEVER run another marathon. I don't want to be a party pooper. My friends have worked so frickin' hard for this and I know all of them will do exceptionally well this Sunday and I can't wait to see them. I'll probably cry watching them because I'm a big cry baby and marathon finish lines make me super emotional.

I ran 3 days in a row this week but today I'm taking a rest day. Maybe I'll ride the bike for a little bit since I'm sore from doing a small speed workout yesterday.

1.5 warm up to park
5 x 1 min sprints w/ 1 min recovery jog in between
1.5 cooldown home

The knee has been feeling fine as long as I stick to running on the grass and dirt. And yesterday I felt so good...not like my lungs would explode like I did the first 2 days. So I'm hoping the knee continues to feel good and the next scheduled event will be Ragnar SoCal again in a month. I don't want to let my team down again so I'm putting the pressure on myself about that already. And I've been straight up freaking out about having to move in about a week and a half! MUST BE POSITIVE.

Okay. That was my rant for the day. I just want to go home and cuddle with my puppy now.

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